E L B O W
Elbow: The Hours

Thursday, March 29, 2007

The Hours

What do I do? How do I say it? I guess if I really felt it then I would have said something by now. Is it possible that it’s just too hard to say? I feel like my wife is so fragile that I can’t even begin to think about how she’d react by me saying that I want a divorce.

She might hurt herself, and I’m terrified of her feeling so hurt that she’ll loose all sense of reason. I’m not strong enough for this.

My hands are tied and I’m stuck. My mouth is taped shut and I feel like I can’t move.

I’m doing ok. I really feel fine. For the first time in my life I know what I want. I’m done with being married. It’s not because I’m gay and it’s not because I’m not attracted to my wife, because I am. I just don’t want to be married anymore and I don’t know how to tell my wife that.

Maybe beneath my decision is a feeling of stability that I’d like to keep. Who in their right mind would leave a beautiful wife and the possibility of having a family? I feel like Julianne Moore’s character in “The Hours.” I feel that feeling that she talked about as overwhelmed and unexplainable conflict.

In the movie she looks at her little boy and she loves him but she has to get away. There’s a scene in the movie where she drops of her son at a babysitters and she plans on leaving him, and she drives away and she just cries. She goes to a hotel room and the shot of her lying in her bed with water rushing around her as it fills up the room is parallel to what I feel.

The water is getting close to my mouth and soon my nose won’t have any choice but to give into the water.

I don’t have a little boy. I don’t have children, but I do have the “little boy Elbow” to take care of. He’s inside of me and he needs me to take care of him. And I keep putting him off. The little boy version of me is hurting and I don’t know what to do for him. I’ve been ignoring him for so long, but the more I write this I realize that there’s a little boy inside of me who wants to be ok and who wants to be happy.

9 Comments:

Blogger playasinmar said...

If that is what you want, if that is what you've decided, then you will tell your wife.

Either you'll tell her openly and honestly or you'll tell her with body language and a new attitude.

How would she prefer to find out?

4:01 PM  
Blogger Elbow said...

Is magic an option?

4:43 PM  
Blogger playasinmar said...

Magic is always an option.

7:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I kind of intend it to.

If you are too dense to realize what an amazing thing you have with a wife who knows your struggles and still loves you enough and is Christlike enough to stay by your side and support you, then you don't deserve her. Please, leave her. Tell her immediately. Then give her the email address of any of the other guys on here who would walk through fire to find someone like that to marry.

You are self-centered and pathetic.

8:44 PM  
Blogger Forester said...

Elbow, you need help with this.
There is no reason to try and get through this alone. You don't seem to have the capacity right now to take care of yourself, let alone your wife. We all need someone strong that we can lean on in tough times and through tough decisions. There is professional marriage counseling, your Bishop, your Stake President, your parents, your family.

Your not wanting to be married is not a bad desire. It's not wrong to not want to be married right now in your life. Maybe down the road things will change and you'll want a wife and family. Don't feel guilty for not wanting to be married. I don't know if you do or not, but like I said before, your desire to be happy is a righteous desire. If not being married right now is what you need to do to make things "right" then maybe it's the right choice. Stay close to your Father in Heaven, seek answers in good places and from good sources, and things will be okay. Take care of that little, hurting boy inside you. He needs your love, support and attention.

9:01 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Anonymous:

You're a judgmental coward.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

Elbow,

Thought I'd stop by your blog just to see how you're doing. Much the same as when I used to stop by a year ago.

Oh well. At least you have plenty of enablers always there for you.

I wish you could envision a happy future for yourself the way I can.

Dave

5:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

E, only you can decide if you are still able to be a good husband. This includes what you can give your wife and what you can do to keep yourself mentally and spiritually healthy regardless of your sexuality or future sexual choices. You are a good boy and it is clear by your inability to move for fear of hurting anyone or making the "worng" choice.

I think it was in Angels in America that someone said being nice can be just as violent as making being nice for the wrong reasons. Personally, I think there is some whisdom in that statement.

Whatever you do God will still love you and life will go on. Life always goes on, and it is rarely as scary as we think.

Be kind to yourself. Oh and the other annon person can eat me. I'm thinking they have no experience with real pain and should shut the hell up.
p

8:21 AM  
Blogger playasinmar said...

"Oh well. At least you have plenty of enablers always there for you."

Enablers Unite! Form-up Gay Voltron!!

4:31 PM  

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