Elbow: May 2008

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Love And Its Fullness

In regards to Forester's question about how I've come to the decision of leaving the church, I ponder it's very introspective and difficult answer. I feel that I haven't left the church but that the Church left me. I grew up feeling safe and comforted by the walls of the Church and the people and the beauty I felt in regards to the connection it provided me between my Heavenly Father and myself. But slowly I've started to realize that the Church wasn't the same shape that it use to be. I do miss that feeling. I miss the comfort and I miss the trust in uncertainty that I was given as a member of the church. But if that trust no longer exists, and if I feel marginalized and if the church is spending millions of dollars in the combat of marriage between two consenting adults who love each other then I feel it is in my best interest to my soul to recognize that I can't grow and progress in that environment.

I don't want to complain. I don't want to be biter. I just want to feel love. And I simply don't feel love from the church because it seems that their "love is conditional of the celebacy of someone who desires close intimate relationships with someone of thier same gender. Instead what I feel from the church is judgement and close mindedness.

God is love and if two people love each other then it's in no one's interest to fight the union of two people who simply want to share their lives and raise children. God is not against this...the Church is. And if the church claims that God has given the go ahead to allow church leaders to advocate for a gay man to marry a straight woman and for a gay man to be celibate and live a life with out a partner and without a companion and without progress within the beauty of a relationship then I can't participate in that organization because it speaks contrary to what the meaning of love and trust is to me.

I feel love and I feel compassion but I don't feel it from the church. I feel it from God and I feel it from the Universe and all the love and trust that it holds.

If Joseph Smith is a Prophet (which I don't know if he was or if he wasn't) then he did what he had to do to give his life in the service of God, but that still doesn't mean that the church is the only way to life a full an happy journey through eternity. If the Book of Mormon is true then what does it have to do with the church telling people that being gay is a sin...there's nothing in the book of Mormon about gay marriage being a sin so for now the Book of Mormon is, I guess, not a very good tool for the church to use in regards to proving its veracity. And like I said I don't know...maybe the book of Mormon is as the church says it is, but I haven't felt that and I know it's a good book, but I only really felt good when it spoke of Christ and the other stuff doesn't really touch me or inspire me. And isn't more than half of the book of mormon about war and death and destruction...and don't tell me that it's a result of homosexuality...it's a result of pride which there's a lot of prideful people in and out of the church...

The bottom line is that if the Church were truly the one true Church of God then there would be less talk of judgement and more talk of love. God is love so why is love only "love" when it fits into the box of heterosexuality?

Wow, I'm just writing a lot and not even really thinking about it. So maybe I'll just post this and hope that it's received well. I don't want anyone to get offended I just want to explain my journey out of the Church and my journey into love and trust.

To be continued...

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Headed Home

I'm going to be back in UT next week and after not only just being away, but being out of the counrty...i've felt a little anxious about spending so much time with my mom and having to work out all the unspoken issues between us about my journey as an out gay man. I do respect where my mom is at and I don't feel frustrated with her. If anything I recognize that my disengagement with the Church is not an easy for her to grasp or even accept. The thing I am grateful for is that she loves me and she expresses that. Hopefully when there is a man in my life she will be able to embrace my choice for love. I've set that intention and trust that the universe will grant me that.

So as my little brother prepares to serve a mission and enter the MTC, my mom has her other son who has left the Church and who is gay. The dicotomy is quite beautiful if you ask me. The path that both my brother and myself are on is special and unique to each of us and I embrace his choice to serve a mission and love that he is going to have so many amazing chances for growth in these next two years. And likewise he trusts me and knows that I am living my life the way that I need to in order for me to be truly happy. He supports me and is proud of my decisions to do what I need to do to live my life.

I love my little brother so much and his love and generous devotion towards me is truly inspiring. I am going to miss him more than I've ever missed anyone. This stay in UT will be wonderful, scary and heartbreaking. Saying goodbye to one of the most precious human beings I have in my life will tear me apart, but getting to spend time with him before he leaves will in turn give me much to be grateful for. And as I battle the disaproval of my mother during all of this I have to remember that I have a committment to myself; to live my life with the most pure and honest of intentions and actions. I have to be happy and I have to experience and live the way that I feel is most genuine and important to my progress. Someday she will understand that.