Elbow: January 2008

Monday, January 21, 2008


I've felt so emotional lately. A couple of days ago I watched an old man on cnn claim that "it's our god given right to vote" and I burst into tears because of the passion he displayed. And today as I listened to a co-worker speak of a rocky relationship with his father I realized that there is a sensitive side of me that was once hidden from view. I went an entire period of years where I didn't know how to cry. I didn't feel the release of emotion and I didn't allow myself to let go. I walked through the grocery store today crying. Feeling blessed, feeling helpless, feeling sad, feeling happy, feeling grateful and feeling alive.

I feel like I've finally uncovered the tool that I was looking for. I'm not pretending anymore. I'm raw and unfiltered and I'm good and kind. I have a heart and I display it without question. Perhaps it's just the place I've found myself for now, or maybe I didn't need to be in touch with this resource of release.

Whatever the case, I'm happy now that I've found a side of me that speaks and shouts and cheers when the occasion permits. And I'm also angry for feeling like I had to repress the depth of my nature and the urgency of my soul.

No one should ever feel like they can't be authentic. No one should ever give into the pressures of being one thing or saying another. You are you and while others will judge that, the life that you inherit has to be your own.

More often than not we are presented with choices. The choice to feel can't be over looked, regardless of its consequences.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Love If You Can And Be Loved

I just watched the youtube video
God Loveth His Children Pt2: LDS Pamphlet on Homosexuality
in which Clark Pingree (a devout, active and gay member of the LDS church) talks about his struggle in the Chuch as someone who deals with same-sex attraction. I just love when people spend being an advocate for what they believe in, especially when they are seeking to elevate the consciousness of those that are still uncertain as how to approach the subject of love. It's about love. It's that simple. Homosexuality isn't about having an orgasm or participating in something sinful. Being gay and falling in love with someone of your same gender has everything to do with love.

I love these lyrics from Light In The Piazza

"...Can you find in the world
In the wide, wide world
That someone sees
That someone loves you

Love if you can now...
Love if you can
And be loved..."

My heart is so full right now. I'm grateful and humbled by life. I have so much and I want to give so much. My Heavenly Father is great and wonderful and beautiful. He is real and He wants me to be happy. He's placed me on this earth to find joy, not to loose it. He has provided me with amazing amounts of peace and comfort. I look back at my life a year ago and I look at what struggle I was faced with. I had pain and discomfort. I was lost and I felt swollen with pain. But now there is so much I am able to see and cherish and it has nothing to do with sex or lust or carnal pleasure. My life is honest, my life is authentic, my life is full and open to love.

I'm grateful that when I'm ready I will look for love with an open heart and find someone who I can spend the rest of my life with and start a family with and have kids with. I feel whole and complete and I'm living my life with gratitude.