Elbow: December 2006

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Drop It Like It's Hot

Ok, there are a lot of things that I want to say but don't really have the words to express them. I'm really in love with life right now, but only for the moment. It might fade in a half hour or so get it while it's hot. I just had therapy session, and like Samantha, I too love my therapist. He's amazing and while I realize that I'll only be with him a short while, I'm really glad that I've had the time with him that I've had.

I feel lost in a way, and that's ok. I feel torn and that's also ok. Being ok is confusing because when you put a stamp on something that it's "ok" then what you're feeling inside is more than ok, you are feeling great. I feel good right now because I've realized that it's ok to be torn and to feel like I want to have sex with a guy, it's ok. I mean I recognize it, I intillecutalize it and notice that it doesn't fit in with my life at the moment so I don't do it. But there's no need to feel guilt about it. I'm horny...cool. So what? Not a big deal. Life goes on and I eat a cheesburger and watch Ugly Betty and I'm fine.

I love my wife so much right now. This may sound awkward, but I don't know what I'd do if she wasn't hot. It's really fun being with her and spending time with her. She's my hero. She's my rock and my savior...forget about Jesus, my wife's the only pilot I need. Just kidding. I take that back. It was for humor only. But in all seriousness I love the Lord and I'm on his team. I recognize that there are more important things to worry about than who I'm having sex with, or what gender people are. If the Prophet says don't have sex outside of a hetero marriage then I'm fine with that, it's not easy, but hey...what is?

Friday, December 01, 2006

My Drug Of Choice

I’m really disconnected to myself. I honestly can’t tell you what I’m feeling right now. I’m physically hungry, but other than that I don’t have any emotions. Maybe that’s good.

I have been really awkward with my porn and masturbation fix, I am feeling more and more like an addict. I do get a high from seeing it and releasing from it. It’s crazy that my body responds so quickly to the activity of just looking at a photo.

I’m very aware that my life is not my own. I look at my life and I say to myself: “hey, that’s a cool life. It looks pretty and it looks fun. And then I look inside myself and I don’t see the same life, I don’t see the same person.

Duality sucks because you can only be one person at a time. Duality is useful because it creates a feeling of control. I’m getting really good at hiding and pretending. I should be a 007, I loved that movie by the way. Daniel Craig is mucho hoto! He’s just a very masculine guy, with an amazing body.

I guess I do feel something, I feel lust. It’s good to know that I can always come back to lust. My old friend lust will never let me down. Even in my most of numb times I still feel that push toward its release.

I feel high right now, but I’m not. Maybe because I just masturbated I’m feeling the high. Monetarily, this is a really inexpensive addiction (that’s the bright side).