Elbow: March 2008

Monday, March 10, 2008

Chasing Pavement

This week has been a little frustrating. Asside from the balancing act of social and personal time, I'm dealing with a cold right now and a situation that has made me contemplate the romantic side of frienships. I have a friend here who is engaged to be married to a great girl. They've been best friends for a long time and have been engaged for about two years now. He's not a member of the Church and either is she, but he's a Christian and fairly religous. He and I have become close recently and it's been fun hanging out with someone that isn't gay, but who is gay friendly and who also appreciates the same stuff that I do. Well in this past month I've noticed him going through a lot emotionally and I've been there for him if he's needed to talk.

Last week he seemed down and I offered to listen and told him I was there for him if he needed anything. So we chatted and just as if I was in a car accident I was blind sitted and he told me that he was gay and having doubts about his engagement. Of course I have a lot of transerence to bring to the table and my own experiences of being married and knowing how he feels as a gay man trying to live in a straigh society. So I talk with him about it and let him say what he needs to say and I feel as though I'm able to provide him with an unbiased oppinion of what he should do. I told him that he of course needs to be honest and that he needs to share his feelings with his fiance, but I was open minded in letting him know that it may be hard but he can also make it work and he can succeed as a great husband and father if that's what he chooses for himself.

The conversation became very cryptic and vague and in the middle of him comming out to me and telling me that he is having doubts about his marriage he starts to tell me that he has feelings for me and that his desire for me is what is causing him to question his relationship with his fiance and that he is confident in saying that he is gay. I'm overwhelmed at this point because my once straight friend is now not only gay, but he is comming on to me and expressing that he wants to be with me romantically and yet he is engaged to be married to a woman.

I give him a hug and tell him that he needs to talk to his fiance and I of course don't know what to really think because it's hard for me to feel unbiased at this point about what he should do. In that moment I perhaps should have told him that I didn't feel the same way as he did toward me and that I should have mentioned to him that I wasn't interested in a relationship with him. But I was concerned with what he was going to tell his fiance and I most definately didn't want to deal with the conversation of me having to tell him that I didn't like him back in that way. I like him as a friend and one of the reasons I liked him so much was because he was straight and he wasn't going to fall in love with me.

So I wake up the next morning and I have a text message from him telling me that the marriage is off. I call him immediately and ask him what happened. He tells me that she sensed something was going on and feeling uneasy about getting married to him she called off the engagement. He of course now is dealing with the fact that he has to tell his friends and family that he's not engaged and I'm concerned about his mental state at this point and I forget that he has a crush on me so I'm talking him through it and I start to realize that he's not in the slightest bit consumed by thoughts of his ended engagement to his girlfriend, but that he's concerned with what might or might not be going on bettween he and myself.

I again should have told him then and there that I wasn't feeling the same way and that I wasn't interested. But I didn't want to hurt him more than he was already going thorugh it as a result of him loosing his fiance and possibly comming out of the closet. But I just tried to focus and get him to focus on processing his feelings about what was going on with his ex-fiance.

And now I find myself avoiding him altogether. I don't want to have to tell him that I don't like him back. I hate having to hurt someone, but I don't want him to be led on and think that I like him back. And possibly there was a thought in my mind when I thought he was straight that I could have a crush on him, but now that my crush is a reality it's hard to put it into perspective and realizing now that he is going through a very rough time and coming out of the closet and braking off an engagement, I know he is in no place for a relationship and I would most definately like to be his friend but his romantic feelings toward me are making it hard for me to be his friend.

I see the way he looks at me and it's not the way a friend looks at another friend. He is acting nervous and shy around me as a result of his crush and he is just waiting for me to make the next move so that he can be in a relationship with me. I obviously have to have a talk with him where I tell him that I don't feel the same way, but being as though I feel like right now I'm the closest friend he has here. I don't want to alienate myself from him and have him be all alone as a result.

And then there are times when I think back to when I thought it would be cool if he were gay cause I was a little interested, and I guess I could see something developing in me in regards to romantic feelings towards him, but being as though he is going through a lot right now, it's just not the best timming for a relationship and as I look at my life I once again feel that now is not the best time for me to be in a relationship. And I need to be true to myself in that area.

I'm sure when I talk to him he'll understand, but I'm just frustrated. I want friends who don't fall in love with me. I want to be chill and have fun without there being sexual tention involved.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Don't Hurt Yourself

So more than anything I've been trying to find balance and I've been searching for the most optimal way to heal.

After the divorce, being single came really easy to me. It wasn't a hard adjustment to make, and yet there are times when I really feel the pull to be in a relationship even though it just isn't the most optimal of times for me to do that. I feel as though there's a lot of time that needs to pass and a lot of learning and healing to take place before I am able to merge my life with someone. And so I enter the world of dating, not with the purpose of finding someone to be in a relationship with, but to have fun and experience a wide range of freedom and enjoyment.

The dangers of this are pretty straight forward. I date, I kiss, I flirt and have fun and people start to feel more than I'm willing to let myself. I constantly find myself trying to tell the guys I'm dating that I'm not ready for a relationship, but that I'm fine with dating without being exclusive. Almost always someone gets hurt.

I'm in a situation right now that is one of the most frustrating and yet flattering experiences I've had with dating. The drama builds and I'm left with the worry that I'm not going to be "the cute nice guy" anymore, but the "the player."

Kissing turns into feelings and cuddling turns into feelings and spending time with people turns into feelings and yet I'm not the one feeling the same feelings as my counterparts.

Last week I met two guys that I thought would be ideal for me to be friends with. Both were best friends and I went out dancing with guy 1 and nothing happend between us, we danced very appropriately and had a lot of fun and later I hear that he likes me. So I try to keep my distance without having the awkward conversation of telling him that I'm not interested. Then he and his best friend and I go out dancing and I end up getting too close to the friend and we end up kissing. Granted, I know this is my fault and that I shouldn't have gone there with the best friend, but part of me wanted to show that I'm open in who I spend my time with and that I'm only looking to have fun. So there after guy 2 develops feelings for me and the fight between friends insues and I'm the one who is looked at as the source of contention. So not only is that frienship out of the quesiton, guy 2 is pursuing me and while I want to kiss him and have fun with him, I now have to keep my distance because he says that he likes me "a lot."

I just want to have fun. I thought that the gay world was more permiscuous than this. I mean I'm not complaining, but everyone wants to jump into a relationship. What ever happened to playing the field and taking your time?

More than anything it's a lot of pressure. I hate feeling like I need to have the conversation with someone that I don't like them and I also don't like avoiding them either. I don't like hurting people, and at the same time I just want to live my life. Sometimes I feel like living my life also translates into people getting their feelings hurt and I don't like being the source of that pain.