Elbow: March 2006

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Angst of a Different Color

Of course there are moments of in which anxiety fills my soul and I am left with a lot of automatic responses that have been ingrained in me from years of looking so cheerful and full of bliss. I cover up well. I think I almost resent the fact that I can walk around and have nothing from the inside permeate that outer surface. The workings of my soul are shouting "I feel anxiety and depression 60% of the time!" And yet on the outer shell conveys a sincere smile, and the people in my life look to me for guidance and support. I think most of my friends are sometimes more messed up than I am, but then again they don't have the ability to hide most of their emotions like I do.

I sometimes wonder if I like angst. I am attracted to angst maybe. I don't know what it is but I look back and have no one to blame but myself, I am smart, articulate, and very self-aware; and yet here I am living in a life that is not something that I would have chosen.

Now if only the angst would communicate with me and let me know the source and purpose of its mission to stay with me and make me feel pain. Then will I be able to at least work with it, because as of now and in the foreseeable futureā€¦it's not going away.

Monday, March 06, 2006

The Balancing Act of Fear

I had a frustrating weekend. I have been trying to be honest and courageous in response to the rumination of turmoil that I have been experiencing, but it is not easy. I am paralyzed and full of fear. I don't know where it comes from, but I feel it healthy for me to recognize it and to try and understand its origin.

This is especially frustrating, because last week I had such a good talk with my therapist about starting to feel safe, and letting myself be vulnerable in order to get to a place of honesty and integrity. Where has that courage gone? I guess in summation, I need a lot of attention too. I am feeling unsafe and incapable of taking care of own emotional needs.

I am tired of feeling anxiety.