Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Peace and Moving On
I actually just got back from a quick weekend stay in Los Angeles. I was helping out my buddy with his business there and I just got back tonight.
When I was in California I was able to see my wife for the first time since our separation. I had lots of anxiety to deal with and a lot of emotions to worry about, but she's in a good place. She's amazing and I love her so much. She mentioned that she was a different person now, which I agree with.
Being married to a gay man was not the best situation for her. She became a person who was unwilling to trust, she became bitter towards me and our marriage. She hated herself and she hated anything that had to do with me feeling freedom on any level. She has been a rock for me during this time. I love her, and I miss her so much, but I know that we are doing the right thing. She said some of the most beautiful things she's ever said to me. She said "we were best friends before, and we were best friends when we were married, and I know that we are going to be able to stay best friends..." I love her for saying that. It's what I've always wanted for us.
I truly have a testimony that the Lord is watching over me. He listened to our pain and to our situation and he provided a way for us to progress and to flourish and to continue to live to fullest capacity of our souls. I'm clear now. I feel so much deeper, I'm not living in fear, and I'm not afraid of myself and my wife. And yet, through all of this I look back and I don't regret a thing. I loved being with her, but now that the responsibilities of marriage have been lifted from me, I feel a sense of relief.
Life is amazing. I'm happy and I'm sad, but I know I'm doing the right thing. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm doing something really right and really good. I'm at peace and I'm feeling a sense of completion.
Divorce is hard. Being married to a woman as a gay man is harder. Trying to tell my family that I'm getting a divorce because I'm gay is even harder than that, but slowly and with the Lord's help, I'm becoming who I need to be.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
A Thank You For Scot And His Inspiring Family
Tonight I had the amazing privilege of having dinner with Scot and his family. I can't tell you how fun it was. I felt so good just sitting with him and his partner and two of the most charming kids I've ever seen. Their life is a blessing, and I just want to publicly thank him for letting me see a glimpse into what I want my life to be like.
And I realize now that I'm free to think and feel on my own, without any pressure of unnecessary guilt, that I can have the life that I've always wanted. I want a family, I want kids, and I want a husband. I use to feel like getting a divorce from my wife was giving up a family, but now I see that I'm gaining my life. I'm able to freely act and think the way that makes me thrive and that allows me breathe with exceptional vibrancy. I don't want to live a life in the Church that makes me feel guilty for feeling love. I want to love a man, I want a man to love me, and I don't want to pretend any more that I'm a straight man and that I'm ok with the Church discriminating against homosexual couples.
I'm looking for peace. And I feel like everyday I'm getting a step closer. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ, but I don't think that Jesus would kick out a homosexual couple who practice monogamy and who have dedicated their lives and existence to their children and to the concept of a loving family. Jesus would accept them with open arms. So why won't the church?
There's a lot of things I have to do in order to get my life on the right track, but I feel action and momentum. It's been a long time coming. I've felt a lot of guilt and a lot of pain. I've felt trapped and I've felt overwhelmed with feelings of disgust for myself. But I'm done feeling that way. I'm ready to take risk after risk for the opportunity to live life to its fullest, and to look back at my life when it's over and feel like I did everything I wanted, and that I did everything I needed to do to build a life that I can be proud of.