My Best Friend
Today when I was talking with my wife on the phone we established once again that we were best friends. It's been a long time since we've been able to truly feel this way about each other. So much resentment had built up between us that it was hard to remember what had brought us together in the first place. We know now that our friendship and love for each other can't be compromised.
I respect her so much.
I always knew how amazing she was, but I was fearful of her reaction if she knew that I didn't want to be married anymore because of my homosexuality. I underestimated her ability to accept and love me, and now through it all, she has made me feel so loved and so accepted. She's been a huge support and an amazing resource for me being able to find my happiness again. And she has found a new sense of self. She no longer has to feel less of a human being because her husband isn't attracted to her. She no longer has to cry at night because she feels unloved and inferior. She looks forward to a future with a man who loves her both emotionally and physically.
Her therapist gave her a copy of Carol Lynn Pearson's book No More Goodbyes and since my wife has finished reading it, she has started to realize that there is more to life than forcing ourselves into boxes. My wife now is able to fully understand what my feelings for men mean, and how to not personalize them, but to allow me to be...me. Her book is amaizng, and really inspiring. I couldn't have read it at a more important time in my life. I gave it to my mom to read and she expressed so much love for me after she read it. I'm so thankful for Sister Pearson and her testimony of love, because she has truly blessed my life and the lives of those around me.
I've felt so blessed to have my wife's friendship, but it's also been hard because when we talk about the future, we don't see ourselves married. She's looking for a place of her own, and I'm in the process of going back to school and looking for my own place as well. It's sad, but as my wife said to me on the phone tonight; "you have to live your life." And as much as I don't really have the answers for what that means, I know that I am now capable of living my life to its fullest.
The Lord has blessed me tremendously. My family has been warm, my friends have been so giving and I have grown in ways that I don't even fully comprehend yet. I look back at the brick wall that I kept running into and couldn't climb and couldn't go around it. I just walked away. A gay man shouldn't be married to a woman, and I have a testimony of that now. It's not right for me, and while it may be right for others, I see myself being an advocate for those that were struggling through what I went through for the past couple of years.
And through it all, I have everything I've ever wanted, peace and love. And even though my wife will no longer be my wife, she will always remain my best and truest friend.