Monday, April 16, 2007

I see my life spread out before me, the edges of my existence reach at arms length and the width from side to side is the size of my arm span. The light reflects off the surface that captures information for me to look at in regards to where I am, where I’m going, and how I can get there. Life is the journey of a destination. I am the only driver that is authorized to manage the placement of my choices. I reach for things and I compose what I feel necessary, and I break into the darkness to find specks of light that can be used as flashlights in an awkward lack of identification. I seize things for selfishness sake, and I hold caring to be a principle of nobility. I take for my own self, and I give where there is pain to fill the void of pain. I sometimes talk with sincerity and I try to follow the parts of my heart that are consistently true.

Where do I go from here? I look and I take in the scenery, I see roads and rivers and I can tell where north is the opposite of south, but the question of location isn’t complete until I know where to place myself. Even standing on level and dry ground is merely the source of safety, but I want more than safety. I long for freedom and completion. The act of knowing isn’t knowing until the hour of exact rightness. I want to be found where there is no doubt, and where there isn’t a single longing for what isn’t already in my hand.

People can be my compass, the wind can be my compass, God is my compass, the chemicals in my brain are my compass, and images try to be my compass, but my soul is starting not to listen to either of their calls. Remembering where I came from isn’t hard, it’s the right of passage toward a complete past that drives me forward. I look at the sky and its viewing pleasure is not only desirable, but it’s beginning to call to me and beckon me to leave. The escape of leaving is only as feasible as the dream that holds distant in my heart.

Two dreams share the location of my heart, but on the map it’s only possible to be in one place at one time. I can’t ask for more than the present, and within the present moment of hope and justice, I see more than I am able to grasp and take in. I’m hurting to know and I’m hurting not to know. Why must I choose the destination of my soul? Can’t my soul take the wheel and steer me closer to the desired path. Surprise me of where we end up. Don’t confuse me with turns and pit stops. Give me the moment of clarity so that I can stare at the open road on a plan of return.

Have I found myself completely to be enabled to find my place? I’ll reach for more, and I’ll get more. I’ll strive for everything and I end up getting everything. That was the hope, but the reality is starting to prove empty.


Blogger playasinmar said...

I feel the same way whenever I get lost in a corn maze. Keep your head up, buddy. You're only lost until you find the lemonade at the finish line. (please don't do anything stupid like try to cheat and sneak out of the maze.)

10:24 PM  
Blogger Scot said...

I don’t know I understand all of what you’re saying here, Elbow, but I do know you said it beautifully.

Considering your last post (Which struck me a very insightful BTW), you seem to be on some sort of roll in sorting this all out.

6:31 PM  
Blogger gentlefriend said...

Since we are all unique. I can never understand fully how you or anyone else feels. Each alone must choose his path. But I can share my own feelings as a married Mormon with strong same sex atractions. I know the emotional emptyness that cries to be filled with a male partner. It is not just physical. But I believe that this emotional hunger has come to me biologically in mortality. I feel no guilt at its existance. It is part of me. I have filled it somewhat in non- physical relationships as a scoutmaster, as a young adult leader and teacher, as a bishop, and as a father. Thus far I can see no indication that my sons inherited the SSA gene. No one but my wife and those who interviewed me for my mission know about this. I realize that if I continue on the path I have chosen that this hunger for male intimacy will never be fulfilled. I wish that my world were different, so that I could have all I desire. It seems unfair. But then I consider the emptinesses I would feel if I chose the path of male intimacy. I love my wife. I am not sexually attracted to her like I am to men. Erections are sometimes difficult to achieve when we are intimate. But we love the warmth of each other's bodies and have worked out techniques where we each usually reach climax. She is my best friend. My life would be terribly empty without her. I love my children and enjoy their love and repect. Had I chosen another path I would not be able to give them Father's blessings or attend their Temple weddings. I would feel a hunger for those things. I have been able to counsel and guide many boys and young men, some of whom who struggled with SSA, and young women also. I have tried to help them accept and love themselves. Another path may have given me opportunity to help others. But I have been able to bless so many in the Gospel context, I am glad I have stayed on this path. I am far from perfect and have and still do have many opportunities to satisfy my SSA, but I have thus far never violated my covenants with my wife. I have experienced the healing and prophetic powers of the Priesthood flowing through me. Had I followed another path I would hunger for those experiences. There is so much thus far in my life that has been filled at the price of denying myself satisfaction of my strong, continual hunger for total physical and emotional intimacy with men. In describing my path I am not suggesting that you should follow. You must decide for yourself. And I trust that you will do what is right for your unique life. But I do suggest that you consider the possiblilty that you will not be able to satisfy all the hungers in your life and pray that you will choose those that will bring you the most happiness. I am not critical of those who take a path different than mine. God loves all of His children and will try to guide them to peace and happiness where ever He finds them.

Thank you for inviting me into your space. You are a very sensitive and perceptive person. (And you have great pictures)

1:45 AM  
Blogger Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

I really liked your comment, Gentle Friend. It was honest and heartfelt.

It's hard sometimes because God requires of us sacrifice. It is difficult to know why and it is even more difficult when the sacrifice is of something that may seem good, right, natural, or holy. Yet you and I both know that no matter what path is chosen, sacrifice MUST be made and in so many respects it seems like it's an unfair choice that must be made. It sounds like you are in a phase where you are mourning. You know that sometime in the not too distant future a choice will be made and with that choice will come a sacrifice (again regardless of what path) and that choice will inevitably bring intense pain and mourning. Though there will be blessings and joy, there will also be sadness. It's okay to mourn that you will not be able to have all the answers to, natural, and even holy desires at this time. Best of luck through it all.


8:47 PM  
Blogger gentlefriend said...

Dear Caspian,

Thanks for your perceptive comments to me on Elbow. It is nice to communicate with someone who not only sees what I am saying, but also what I am feeling. In response to your comments: You are right, I am grieving over an emptiness that may never be filled in this life, but I am also rejoicing for the parts of me that are being filled. Thanks for listening and responding.

1:38 PM  

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