The Forefront

I feel like a genuine thumbs up right now. I'm relieved that my wife and I are talking about what has been underneath the surface for about a year now. We're having a dialogue that is hard but rewarding. I'm learning how not to avoid my problems ever again.

As for our plans...well we don't know that yet. I've told her that I have needs that aren't being met. She tells me that she's willing to be married to me regardless. I tell her that I might not want to be married to her anymore. I tell her that I'm worried about her feeling inadequate. She tells me that she doesn't want to loose me. I told her that I'm hurting and that I'm not happy. She just wants to love me and make it better. I told her that I don't want to be a gay man married to a woman. She says that she would never have the courage to divorce me and that if I want a divorce, that I'm the one that will have to do it because she can't.

As it stands. I'm waiting. I'm taking my time, and in the meantime we are talking. We are relatively happy, and we are trying to make things work for the time being. I'm realizing now that this next step is the one that I was avoiding all along. I know that I'm the one that will have to end the relationship, and it's going to take every ounce of courage to do that. But for now. I'm taking my time before I make any final decisions.

In the past it was so easy to just put every negative thing I was feeling into this blog and then walk away for the purpose of not doing anything with it. I can't do that anymore. I've got to face what I'm feeling/thinking/hurting/hoping about and deal. Learning that was a very difficult struggle. Frankly, it sucked. But here I am with more knowledge than I had before, and that's a blessing. Life is about this, what I'm going through and what I'm experiencing. Life is about the process of discovery and the challenge to challenge myself.

My wife is wonderful. I know that in the past I've focused on the negative, and I regret that. She's peaceful and supportive. She's understanding and she's kind. It's expected that she's going to feel hurt and that she's going to feel the need to act out on her anger, but I give her an A+ for the way that she's handling everything.

She has held me while I've cried. She has pampered me and made me feel like I'm ok. She of course is struggling too, and she is also in pain, but she has been there for me.

We've made the decision to go to counseling together. I feel like that will be a good place to start. We're friends right now, and that's all that matters for the time being. I don't know what the future will hold, but I know that the future is brighter than I ever imagined it would be.

What lies ahead is huge for me. I am standing at the forefront of an extremely hard decision. I have no safety net and no perfect knowledge of anything. If I leave my wife, I am loosing a future with her, a possible eternal marriage, and children with the one woman that I've ever loved.

If I stay then I risk missing out on the chance to feel as happy as I see myself being. If I don't leave her then I might never be at peace with myself.

If I stay I might be happy and learn to live with the perplexity of our situation. If I stay I might end up realizing that my sexuality isn't as important as I once thought it was. If I stay I could be learning lessons that my soul needs to learn in order to progress.

If I leave her I might find someone who I can feel connected to, who I'm completely attracted to, and who meets all the needs that I have yet to fill. I just might feel complete and If I leave her I might be living a life that is completely mine, that is full of something that I believe in and that I am proud to be apart of and an advocate for.

And so I struggle still. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm worried. I'm sad. I wonder if I can actually make this decision without running away. I'm scared, but I'm trusting.