Elbow: Last Night

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Last Night

Last night was the worst night of my life. I still feel like it isn’t over and I’m terrified of what to do and what to say. I have no shield and there’s a lot about myself that I don’t know.

About midday I started to feel extremely overwhelmed. The thought of talking to my wife terrified me, but I knew I couldn’t drag this out any longer. I kept thinking of ways she would react, of ways that I would react. I spoke on the phone to several amazing people who helped me calm down and look at the bigger picture, but by the end of the day I was emotionally sick. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think of anything but having the dialogue with my wife.

I started to walk home and I started to cry and I couldn’t stop. I started feeling angry and I started feeling frustrated. I wanted to be destructive and harmful in someway. Intense pressure had built up in my chest and my entire body ached. I got home with tears flowing down my face and I couldn’t stop crying. For an hour straight I laid on our bed and wailed and screamed and no matter how many tears I was letting out, it didn’t seem like enough. My body was rejecting its own body, my heart rate was beating so fast and hard that I could hear it pounding over my sobs.

I kept saying that I was gay and that I was sorry and that I loved her. She was sweet and she held me and she caressed me. I continued to cry and the pain continued to increase. My body felt unmanageable and I was disoriented and didn’t know what to say or what to do.

My tears turned to silence and we talked about what I was feeling. It hurt to speak. My body trembled as my mouth formed words that I needed to tell her. I told her what I needed to say. I said things that I’d been thinking but never wanted to actually say them out loud. She was hurt. She yelled and she directed her anger toward me. I told her that I didn’t know if I wanted to be married to her anymore. She walked away without saying a word, and for an hour I sat frozen and listened to a heart beating inside my chest that was ferocious and unrelenting. My left arm was sore and throbbing in pain and my hand was tingly and felt like it had pins and needles sticking into it.

My wife doesn’t care that I’m gay, she never has. But she looks at it no differently than if I were attracted to other girls and that I just have to keep that in check. I told her that I have needs that she cannot meet. She said I was fucked up for thinking that she wasn’t good enough because she doesn’t have a dick. She cried and yelled and called me a piece of shit. I cried and I laid there unable to speak through the pain.

I laid there in bed and everything about my body hurt, and everything about my heart was in pain. My heart raced and my mind felt sheiks of terror in regards to how she was reacting. I fell asleep around 6 in the morning and got up two hours later to come to work.


Blogger Chris said...

Call me.

11:57 AM  
Blogger playasinmar said...

All along I've advised to pick a path, have a plan, and stay the course. I don't know you well enough to suggest a path or advise a plan for you and in the end it's probably best if the decision is yours and yours alone, anyway.

Just don't be fickle.

12:00 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

Again, I feel like you've had eternity to figure yourself out, and she's new to "accepting" or not accepting who you are, even though she's had a couple of years to put it together and even then not seeing the "Elbow" that we have come to love and know.

Give her some time, give her some space, but be there when she's ready to discuss more calmly and reasonably... and at that point, you need to be consistent in what you want and what you need...

but who am I to say what you should do?

12:41 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

P.S. I think you should call Chris... :)

12:44 PM  

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