A Thank You For Scot And His Inspiring Family
Even though this has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life, I know that I'm doing the right thing. My wife and I talk every day on the phone and some conversations are good, and others are really bad, but we are doing something about our relationship and that makes me feel closer to obtaining some sense of peace.Tonight I had the amazing privilege of having dinner with Scot and his family. I can't tell you how fun it was. I felt so good just sitting with him and his partner and two of the most charming kids I've ever seen. Their life is a blessing, and I just want to publicly thank him for letting me see a glimpse into what I want my life to be like.
And I realize now that I'm free to think and feel on my own, without any pressure of unnecessary guilt, that I can have the life that I've always wanted. I want a family, I want kids, and I want a husband. I use to feel like getting a divorce from my wife was giving up a family, but now I see that I'm gaining my life. I'm able to freely act and think the way that makes me thrive and that allows me breathe with exceptional vibrancy. I don't want to live a life in the Church that makes me feel guilty for feeling love. I want to love a man, I want a man to love me, and I don't want to pretend any more that I'm a straight man and that I'm ok with the Church discriminating against homosexual couples.
I'm looking for peace. And I feel like everyday I'm getting a step closer. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ, but I don't think that Jesus would kick out a homosexual couple who practice monogamy and who have dedicated their lives and existence to their children and to the concept of a loving family. Jesus would accept them with open arms. So why won't the church?
There's a lot of things I have to do in order to get my life on the right track, but I feel action and momentum. It's been a long time coming. I've felt a lot of guilt and a lot of pain. I've felt trapped and I've felt overwhelmed with feelings of disgust for myself. But I'm done feeling that way. I'm ready to take risk after risk for the opportunity to live life to its fullest, and to look back at my life when it's over and feel like I did everything I wanted, and that I did everything I needed to do to build a life that I can be proud of.
posted by elbow at 1:05 AM
6 Comments:
They are an AWESOME family aren't they? Sounds like you've made some pretty big thought changes here in the last little bit. Glad that things seem clearer to you. I feel much the same way, but I realize that if for some reason things don't work out for me, I can always change my life. Things can get better and change for the better. It's good to know you are on the mend in so many ways.
-Caspian
Is there an emoticon for blushing? :-)
Thank you for the nice words Elbow, and Cas. It was very much a pleasure to meet you too. It’s nice to put a face to a blog and even better to meet a person you’ve come to respect for the way they’ve handled themselves through difficult times. I’m very glad you’re doing so much better and grateful that we could be of help by any measure.
(Can you believe we waited for that fountain for another hour and a half?! The kids had so much hope :-))
It sounds like you really are getting things figured out. I'm happy for you.
i am very glad for you. my thoughts and prayers continue.
jeesh, you're lucky...dinner with Scot and his family. One day i intend to have dinner with them as well.
Best of luck to you. You and your wife are young. You have time. You both can have great lives.
i hope you have a chance to read the full essay by gustav-wrathall in the current dialogue.
he really does describe a "road less traveled by"
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