Annoyed
I’m so sick of being in New York. I once thought it was really exciting to get picked-up on by so many guys, but not now. I’m not in the mood, and I just don’t have the energy to feel what emotions it evokes in me. Sometimes it’s exciting, sometimes it’s draining, and other times it’s frustrating because I’m trying to mind my own business on the subway and read my book without someone trying to “inadvertently”/passive aggressively get me to validate their gay existence. “I know you're gay, you know I’m gay, our gaydar is working, but that doesn’t mean that we have to stare at each other until one of us gets off at the next stop.”I guess I would rather some guy just come up to me and start a conversation like any normal person would do. Why the lingering? Why the awkward eye contact? I don’t get it, and I do it myself. Maybe that’s why it bugs me, because I admit I’ve been guilty at the cruising techniques in the past. Before I was married and in New York, I made eye contact with this guy and we started a conversation and we went back to his place and made out. But now my life is a little different. I can’t quite follow through with the situation I find myself in. Maybe that’s why it bugs me so bad.
It’s just started to get annoying and I don’t know what to do about it. On one hand the validation is nice, and so I look to see if the guy is indeed looking at me, and then when he continues to linger I feel like I want to run away, I guess there are times when the guy is really hot and I’m interested, but even then I feel like it’s very passive aggressive. Just talk to me! “I’m right here.”
I have a brain. I can converse with almost anyone, even to the point of being intellectually stimulating. I’m funny and I’m very empathic, so why are you staring at me like all I’m worth is the outer goods? Once again, I’m guilty of it as well, but some guys are ridiculous and I’m voicing how it makes me feel. I’m going through a hard time right now. My life is in shambles. I want to make the right decision, and it’s hard with a pack of gay wolves breathing down my neck. (OK, that was a little dramatic, but it’s a good visual).
posted by elbow at 3:22 PM
5 Comments:
"I want to make the right decision, and it’s hard with a pack of gay wolves breathing down my neck. (OK, that was a little dramatic, but it’s a good visual)."
No, not dramatic, I have seen published research attesting to the existence of gay wolves :-).
What ever you do, I bet you know the guy leering at you in the subway, ready to go back to his place isn’t likely to be the right trail head. I’ve no idea how to stop it other than making yourself less handsome some way. Maybe it is, as you say, New York. Here I am in Utah where that is rare, and I’m completely oblivious to such looks anyway, or so I’m told. Err, or maybe I’m not that handsome?! No, that can’t be it :-)…
My roommate described it as a "pack of rabid coyotes" after a crazy night at the club.
If I were staring at you on the subway, I'd have to take it up a notch and do something seductive with the banana in my lunch while I stared. ;)
What bugs me is that often in the gym showers a guy opposite me stares and smiles and starts masturbating. I don't feel bad about being aroused by the good looking ones, but I should look away and not stare. I find this extremely hard to do. I already have enough hormones pumping through me. I don't need any more. By being aroused and staring I am reinforcing some poor guy who has to has to resort to a shower room for a relationship. But in many cases it is hard to turn my eyes away. They usually quit when someone comes into an adjacent stall or when they see that I am not going to masturbate with them. If it's possible I try to strike up a conversation with them in the dressing room to let them know that I don't reject them. Some have become gym friends and tell me about their life struggles, but they know that I am not into having visual or physical sex with them. Some won't even talk to me afterwards. Thats OK. I only wish I could keep from looking or staring.
Stories like this about gyms makes me never want to go to one. *shudder*
I know what you mean. A guy that I knew from my last job in UT that was gay sent me a text message today and asked for a picture of my dick so that he could masturbate to it! Can you believe it? So brazen! It really frustrates me when people just look at me like a piece of meat, because I am so much more than that. And even if I was to pursue something physical (on any level) with someone like that, I know that in the end I would just feel cheap because they didn't appreciate me, but just my body and that they used it. How can these people survive? Life is so much more meaningful than that!
The interesting thing is that though they equate sex with a handshake, when I deny them sex, they really take it personal as if I were talking down to them and rejected them personally. I merely rejected the sex, not their humanity or even their friendship (though I wonder what kind of a friendship they're capable of offering).
I won't abuse myself nor will I disrespect myself. I'm more valuable than cheap sex!
-Cas
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