Smile Like You Mean It
Being separated is...great. I feel so relieved now that I don't have to see my wife's face everyday. Do I sound awkwardly ungrateful? I feel little touches of guilt once and a while, but all in all, I'm feeling really good. I like being separated. I like feeling like I have a wife, and that I don't have a wife at the same time. It's an odd situation to be in.
Living at my parents house = not so good. I love them, but they are my parents and they want me to of course be the little amazing Mormon boy that they've raised. I feel that they are disappointed in me. My dad hasn't said more than a couple of sentences when I'm around, and all my mom can talk about is how hard it's going to be if I get a divorce and have to be celebate because that's what the church teaches. Whatever. I don't really care if she keeps talking to me about it, or if my dad continues his silent treatment. I love them anyway, and they are supportive in thier own way.
Right now I'm just concentrating on "getting better" as my wife likes to say. She feels like I might be able to have a marriage with her if I sort out the things that I need to work on as a gay husband in a straight marriage. But I have a feeling that I won't be returning to the marriage any time soon. I love my wife, and that's what makes this all the harder. I'm unwilling to let her go, and she's unwilling to let me let her go. So here we are. We talk on the phone and have separate lives.
If she'd ask for a divorce then I'd gladly give it, but I don't think she's ready for that. The separation is giving us a lot of time to think about this, and to adjust to being sigle again. At least that's how I see it.
I spoke to my in-law's about our situation last week, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I felt like I needed to come out to her parents and let them know what was going on with me. My wife was too embarassed and too ashamed to tell them. So I spoke with them for about two hours and they have been really supportive. Oddly enough, my father in-law commented that if I was going to end it, that I should allow my wife to end it first, and make it look like it was her decision. I thought that was funny, a little awkward, but I had to laugh inside. I've been trying to do that for the past two years now...get her to end it.
I'm happy. I feel really good about the separation. I love my wife, but I also want her to be happier than she is when she's with her gay husband. I have hope that we are going to make the right decision.
And to everyone who has been worrying about me, thank you so much. My spine is healing, and I feel like I am to my old self again.