Peace and Moving On

I'm in still in UT. I've decided not to go back to my parents house. I'm going to live at my sister's place in Utah Valley. I feel a lot better here, and yet I miss New York City and I'm really longing for California.

I actually just got back from a quick weekend stay in Los Angeles. I was helping out my buddy with his business there and I just got back tonight.

When I was in California I was able to see my wife for the first time since our separation. I had lots of anxiety to deal with and a lot of emotions to worry about, but she's in a good place. She's amazing and I love her so much. She mentioned that she was a different person now, which I agree with.

Being married to a gay man was not the best situation for her. She became a person who was unwilling to trust, she became bitter towards me and our marriage. She hated herself and she hated anything that had to do with me feeling freedom on any level. She has been a rock for me during this time. I love her, and I miss her so much, but I know that we are doing the right thing. She said some of the most beautiful things she's ever said to me. She said "we were best friends before, and we were best friends when we were married, and I know that we are going to be able to stay best friends..." I love her for saying that. It's what I've always wanted for us.

I truly have a testimony that the Lord is watching over me. He listened to our pain and to our situation and he provided a way for us to progress and to flourish and to continue to live to fullest capacity of our souls. I'm clear now. I feel so much deeper, I'm not living in fear, and I'm not afraid of myself and my wife. And yet, through all of this I look back and I don't regret a thing. I loved being with her, but now that the responsibilities of marriage have been lifted from me, I feel a sense of relief.

Life is amazing. I'm happy and I'm sad, but I know I'm doing the right thing. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm doing something really right and really good. I'm at peace and I'm feeling a sense of completion.

Divorce is hard. Being married to a woman as a gay man is harder. Trying to tell my family that I'm getting a divorce because I'm gay is even harder than that, but slowly and with the Lord's help, I'm becoming who I need to be.