Honestly...

To my bewilderment I see that people still check my blog here which pleases me because I love those of you who commented. You are a huge part of my journey and I appreciate the desire to know about my life and to continue to play a part in my journey.

Scot said...
"I think I know that exhaustion you describe ;-).
I'm curious. I came out when I thought there were no other gay people around, let alone people advocating for gay rights. With your history here and as a man who had all sides debating in comments on your blog and who, I'm sure, once posted something about enduring in the LDS faith that frustrated me :-), how do you regard that past? Do you think you'd have just ended up where you are regardless of our peanut gallery of blogs and comments, maybe even sooner?"

Very good questions and yeah I was at some points of my dialogue about the Church and about my marriage really set on making it work and for all intents and purposes I tried my hardest to reason myself out of...reason. And I'm sure at some point I would have reached this place where I find myself now because this is what I really wanted and this is what I worked for. I ultimately didn't want to live my life in a compromise and I didn't want to 'settle' for something. I truly wanted to experience happiness on every level and venue and my life at that time wasn't allowing me to do that. I find now that I am completely separated from the Church that it is crazy to me how much I felt like I had to conform to the societal pressures of my friends and family and now that I've let it all go I feel just as loved and maybe even more loved because they now me now for who I really am and they love me despite the fact that I've decided to leave the Church and pursue a gay lifestyle (whatever that means). So, Scot: I don't know if I answered your question to the extent that you would have liked but the point I want to make is that in retrospect I feel frustrated at myself for where I was at but that was part of the process and I'm just grateful that I've been able to let go and move on and continue on the path of bliss that I find myself taking part of.

"Pancakes said...
I like how you have put some of my thoughts into words. I am still a member and once felt for the longest time, I was enduring the Church, but thankfully no longer am. I agree with you that it shouldn't be that way and one needs to find peace instead of constant endurance."

Thank you so much. And that's been the point that I have tried to live my life by in someways, is that there is no end... isn't that interesting that the Church teaches that doctrinally there is no end and we limited by our mortal view of limited knowledge of time and that in God's eyes and in the scheme of the eternities and as the Kolob him suggest: "there is no end..." so why do they preach "endure to the end" so ferociously? The end doesn't exist people, only the now. Live in the now because the past doesn't exist, the future doesn't exist. If you are not happy and you are merely 'trying' then all you'll get is the try and not the embodiment of what you are searching for. Live it now. Be happy now. Live your life now, because it's all we have. If you wait around for there to be peace then all you'll get is no end to waiting (sung in the "Hie To Kolob" tune).

"Beck said...
"...leaves me with the desire to fight for the cause of truth and justice in the context of healthy gay living. But not a lot of the gay Mormon bloggers want to hear about that." I DO!
I want you to blog more. I need to understand your "desire to fight for the cause of truth and justice in the context of healthy gay living". I need to understand your "authenticity" and the journey to obtaining it. I need to experience through you your discovery of "truth" out of the context of the church. I need to see your "fight" and learn from it.
Why would anyone not find interest and not "want to hear about" such things?
Your post is bemoaning the past. So be it. Let it go. That part I don't need to hear about. Help me to know the present and the future of "Elbow"."

BECK!!!! I love you dearly, man. Thank you for your interest and for sharing your journey. I guess in a way your comment has given me more of a desire to write about my life in the now and live up to what I preach. Why dwell on the past and refer to a live that is done with. There is the now to focus on and now my life is me trying to do the best with what I have as an openly gay man who has found peace outside the LDS Church and who is learning to fly with new wings and new feathers and in that respect I have so much to say and so much to add. And yet I'll warn you, being gay and open and dating guys and all that comes with it is still just life and it's really not much different except for the fact that the angst is gone. And there's only so many times I can mention the lack of angst in reference to what my life is now. But I do have so much that I think will and can be of interest.

SO on that note I'll mention that the best and most rewarding thing about my present life is the freedom I feel to be me and to feel so much love for myself. I can't express how much I love myself, and if that sounds weird then what follows might sound weirder: I'm so blessed by my life at the present that I feel sorry for people who aren't gay and who aren't able to live openly gay lifestyles. Gay culture, gay people, gay things are pretty much the same as straight things and everyday people, the only difference is that gay people have all come to an obstacle and faced the challenge of society and self-loathing and uncertainty and as a result are collectively fierce group of fighters. Granted there are the bitchy queens and the negative 'girls' but the commodore is undeniably beautiful and I'm surprised at how much I value that part of being paralleled with that collective consciousness.

And as someone who loves himself and who is so proud of his own journey, it feels really amazing to be in my skin and to be who I am and how I am and where I am in my life. So many blessings have come from my choice to live in this state of blatant old fashioned honesty.