Legally Over

The divorce is final and I should be happy perhaps, but I'm not. I'm also lacking in saddness as to say that there's a feeling too complex to put into words. Thomas Hardy once said: "the sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes." I'm ok with the scar. I'm content with the knowledge that nothing is a mistake. I feel a little emptiness and a lot of openness.

Looking back is hard to do. The dissection of the past three years is impossible. Future pursuits provide a lot of peace and currently I'm in a state of wholeness and contentment. "This happiness consisted of nothing else but the harmony of the few things around me with my own existence, a feeling of contentment and well-being that needed no changes and no intensification" (Herman Hesse).

I find myself wanting to hold on and wanting to let go. A tug of war with myself. Possibly I won't ever find the strength to walk away from the rope long enough to comprehend what the last years of my life reflect. Listening to the past requires a great deal of strength. Luckily I have the strength and I'm open to the lessons that I need to learn. I can look back as much as I can look forward and I see nothing as important as what is happening right now. But the truth of the compartmentalization of time is that there is no future and past without the present and so on and so forth. I can't rememeber or forget the past without seeing it in my present and my future.

I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for the blessings I have. I'm very mindful of what I've been given and what I have taken away. I once remember myself sitting in sacrament meeting feeling weighed down by my struggles of sexuality and choice. I promised myself that I wouldn't give up on the gospel and I haven't. The Church is no longer something that I prescribe to, and in order for me to live the gospel more fully and completely, I had to let go of the organization of the Church.

Whatever the cause or events that led to the end of my marriage, I'm aware of the feeling that guided me to where I am now and I can't judge that. I feel happiness and sadness just as always, but I'm evolved into something that I wasn't and I'm glad that I feel closer to what my whole self will eventually reach.