Internal Locus of Control

Life is like a mixed tape. And as each song in my life represents some memory or encounter, I'm starting to get to the end of side "A" and I'm gonna flip the tape over and start on side "B" to see what comes next. I'm headed back to UT in a week and I'm excited to see my family and friends. I was actually in San Diego last weekend and I stayed with one of my best friends in the whole world and his wife and two kids. The love and support they have for me is unparalleled and it's so much fun to hang with them and do absolutely nothing except be with them. I helped them out with the new business they've started, and I did some babysitting and we had some really good conversations. So I'm looking forward to seeing them again. Seeing my family is another story. I'm not excited to see them. I get nothing from them emotionally and it's so draining to put myself in a position where I feel judged and criticized but at the same time I'm not feeling like they are doing it out of love or concern. I know they love me, but it's just hard to feel it when I don't see it.

And then there's the recent opportunity that I've been given to leave school for now and take some time off. I'm going to be traveling for quite a long time which may limit my ability to blog. But I'm gonna try my best to post things that are going on with me.

As for me, the Church and my gay Mormon conondrum, I'm feeling pretty good. Who knew that not going to Church would make me feel so good? I'm enjoying the process of figuring things out without the presence of the Church. I'm talking more with God, I'm taking my problems and joys in His court and I'm just not concerning myself with what the Church's influence makes me feel like. But actually I did go to Church in San Diego. I went with my buddy and his wife. I forgot about that, but it wasn't really like Church because I went to hang out with them. The lessons were so weird. People in the Church are odd sometimes. There was a lot of talk about trials and going through hard things and I felt like what people were saying was that trials come from bad choices and trials help you grow but does that mean we should make bad choices? Whatever. It was fun to go to Church and not really care because it's not that deep.