E L B O W
Elbow: Iron/Lube/Mormon/Golf

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Iron/Lube/Mormon/Golf

I'm not the type of person that is just impulsive about things. I think. I ponder and I make sure that my decision is sound and real and good and solid. Most of my decisions have been good ones, including my decision to marry my wife. I remember feeling like I should pray about it and ask Heavenly Father if it was the right thing to do, but once again I played the "I don't want/need/have/like/care to pray" card and thought to myself: "Yo, Elbow! If you pray about this, it might be wrong, and you want to get married, so just get married and don't look back." I mean I made my decision based off of clear and intense decision making skills and I didn't need anyone coming in and screwing that up, even if they were a member of diety.

And I'm approaching a whole other level of decision making in my life. I am now in the process of deciding what I will do with the future life of Elbow. I need to set intentions, clear one's and positive expectations for myself because this is the time for me to "go out and get what I want" (from Shoes). And that's scary. I can live a celibate life, I could live a semi-celibate life, I could also live the life of a gay Mormon whore which might be fun, or I could even return to the life of a gay married Mormon (most definately not going to happen). So yeah, I have a lot of opptions. And as my last post so eloquently described my ambigiously bitter/love/hate/confused/grateful/fun relationship with the Church. I have a hard time trusting what "The Church" says because let's be honest, they aren't saying many coherent and relevant statements about homosexuality, and if I were to change my life in conformity with every new statment/revelation/conversation the Church puts out about homosexuality then I would be schizophrenic at this point.

So I must rely on the arm of the flesh as my haters would say or as I like to call it, the smooth/latin/thick/masculine bicep of flesh (kidding, haters). No. I have to do what all you good guys out there are telling me to do. Pray. Get down, get dirty, kneel, make it hurt so good prayer. And I've started. I'm praying and it feels like nothing, but I'm doing it because it makes sense.

After I kneeled to pray last night I remembered why I don't pray anymore, because I don't feel anything. But maybe that's ok for now. I mean I feel a lot of God's love and peace when I'm going about my daily business and thinking about Him and the many blessings. But praying for me is like shutting off the fountain of water and sitting in a sound proof box and waiting for a homing pigeon to send me morse code through the sound proof door....nothing.

And that's why it's so rediculous for me to tell myself to just hold to the rod and endure to the end because I don't feel it. What is the point of holding on to the rod of iron to the word of God? The word of God changes and the word of God is love so yeah I guess I hold to the iron rod if it's love and acceptance and being able to get married to someone of your own gender. But the Church places these expectations and hypothetical constructs on the word of God to make it more complicated than it is. Or maybe I'm the one laughing from the big and spacious building at all the people holding to a rod of iron, but I have better things to do, and I suspect that if the people in the large and spacious building were really that wicked then they'd be doing a lot more than just laughing out the window. I mean if there's pot to smoke and an orgy to perform I think they'd choose the bong/lube over laughing at some dorks who are holding onto a peice of metal.

I have a buddy who is now in his thirties and he just realized that he hasn't explored himself sexually and that developmentally he feels behind in his progress as a human being because he's a gay mormon who has not dated girls because it feels wrong and who hasn't dated guys because he's worried about letting go of the iron rod in the eyes of the Church. The other day I was talking to him and he was thinking seriously about exploring himself sexually and letting himself experiment without guilt. He wasn't going to have sex or anything, he just wanted to see what it was like to be intimate with someone who he cared about and who he was attracted to. And as he was making the decsion to go forward and let himself be ok with his sexual expression he said "the only iron rod I'm holding onto is my penis!" I laughed and so did he, and I'm still laughing at it even though it sounds irreverant.

So the iron rod is there. I'm looking at it and I'm thinking about what it means in relationship to my life and the future that I see for myself and the future that I don't want for myself. And then I look up at the orgy/pot/debauchery/wicked/lube party in the large an spacious building and I don't want to be there either. Isn't there a section that gets you to the tree and the fruit but you can take a golf cart or something? And if there is a golf cart, can I drive it?

11 Comments:

Blogger playasinmar said...

"Semi-celibate" is like "extra-virgin." What can that possibly mean?

7:19 AM  
Anonymous Foxx said...

Perhaps it means somewhere between hermit and sexually active. That's my vote.

8:31 AM  
Blogger Clark said...

You are just living your life, there is no question! Love the nod to Kelly/shoes. WHAT THE HELL?? I have always had this weird theory that the people in the great and spacious building are actually not laughing and mocking those who are holding fast to the iron rod, but that they are actually laughing so hard because they are watching reruns of the mary tyler moore show on HDTV. The iron rod people are just so self absorbed that they think its ALL ABOUT THEM. Hahahaha.

No but seriously I think the place you are in is so fascinating because you are taking the time honored acts of prayer and scripture study and the like and seeing how they actually make you feel as opposed to choosing to feel good because you do them. I really support where you are with prayer: I support that you are doing it, because I agree that it makes sense. I also support your full acceptance of the nothing (and I felt.. nothing) that you currently feel. Whatever prayer is intended to be in your life will manifest itself to you effortlessly. You don't need to make it something or control that process. BE. LIVE. VIBRATE. Isn't that what we are all about?

Oh and by the way, I don't know if you know this, but everyone in the great and spacious building has tons of sex and they never use any lube. Theres a lot of chafing up in there, but karma's a biotch.. and that's what they get for laughing at Mary's friend Rhoda all the time.

11:53 AM  
Blogger J G-W said...

If you don't "hear" anything, then you have no choice but to go by what God has given you -- your brains, your heart, and your conscience.

At any rate, my understanding of the Mormon concept of revelation is that you have to gather as much information as you can, study it out in your mind, think it through and come to your own decision first. God isn't going to do your homework for you.

I'm kind of curious along with Playa. What exactly does it mean to be "semi-celibate"?

7:04 PM  
Blogger Elbow said...

"semi-celibate" means that you experiment without letting go of too much sperm.

8:06 PM  
Blogger playasinmar said...

But what does "extra virgin" mean?

9:13 PM  
Blogger n/a said...

I'm with you on the prayer thing... I don't understand it either...

9:37 PM  
Blogger Forester said...

I can't imagine how difficult it is going through a divorce and losing such a huge part of your life. Missing your ex confirms that your decision to leave her was not all that selfish. Part of me feels I'm selfish by staying with my wife and kids even though I'm attracted to men. I get the benefits of their love and support when I'm not fully worthy of it.

Don't let the church come between you and your relationship with your Father in heaven. The church is a necessary tool to help us with that relationship, it's the means to the end, not the end itself.

10:45 PM  
Blogger Clark said...

karma's a bitch.. and she was talking about me, so... (done with a slight lisp)

10:48 PM  
Blogger Elbow said...

..."bye bye"...

12:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Elbow. I'm an lds gal from NY and a journalist. IOW I'm pretty smart:)...oh and I was married to a gay mormon dentist and now remarried to a straight mormon obgyn..

my advice:

first of all, keep praying. Stay quietly and listen...Ask God to send you His Spirit to comfort you.

second: Read your scriptures...New testiment and BOM...start with new testiment...feel God's love for YOU, Elbow...when you hold to the rod which leads to the love of God.. remember the rod is the WORD of God...prayer is one part of it.. I went through hell after my divorce.. i loved my ex gay dentist husband very much for many years...it hurt like your disemboweled portrait!!! (love your pics BTW very Greenich NY, NY..and smart!)

Seriously.. don't start being a gay-mormon-boy-whore.. that is not the answer Elbow and you know it.. I have a brother in law who's brother is dying from AIDS.. AIDS is not a figment of our imagination.. my current husband has seen the disease and other STD's on men and women.. it is pretty sad, hideous, painful etc. etc.. if you are going to engage in ANY contact with a man.. make sure you get him tested..yes you heard me correctly TESTED for aids and other stds..THIS IS YOUR LIFE (not yelling, just a NYer, jewish/italian girl with lots of emotion and sincerity for you)...Make sure you take good care of yourself FIRST.. love yourself, excercise eat right.. DO NOT start drinking and drugging that will confuse you more, as it has many of my other gay mormon guy friends...not cool..you have alot of common sense the Lord has given you use it.. PRay, Study scripture (NT preferably, JEsus' words are very comforting to the soul and will guide you, I promise) and get proper sleep.. Stay away from harmful substances and harmful people on the net and off...Every Tom DIck and Harry (no pun intended:) doesn't have you best interest at heart just because they are gay.. I am not trying to patronize you..I've had lots and currently have lots of great gay guy friends.. including my ex who remained in the church and remarried a beautiful girl with two children and believe it.. he is finally happy..It works for some, and not for others.. The Church had a good ensign article out about homosexuality by elder packer, and new pamphlets they are trying to be loving and compasionate and they are very sincere.. i promise. i know because i worked for the church as a free lance journalist years ago.. everything is done with prayer, fasting the Brethren do care and love us.. they are no better then us, just running things on earth as spokesmen for the Lord...They are not going to steer you wrong...If you want a male relationship, stick FIRST withe the internet, where you can find a little about a guy before you date him, then if you see him, learn more about him over lunch or dinner, use the Spirit, prayer and reading scriptures..not horniness to decide upon what you want. Emotions are pretty strong...but a lot of "feelings" of the moment (i.e. jumping into bed with a disease ridden dude) pass...please remember about the testing thing, you won't regret it.. Either way, I will be praying for you and putting your name in the temple.. love Kitty....(kittywaymo)

5:42 AM  

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