All That Fits

I've cried more in these past three months than I have ever cried in my whole life. It's really hard to be lonely, to feel lonely and to let my myself feel the consequences of my choices. I don't regret anything. I feel at peace with the divorce and with my present life choices, but I miss my wife. My heart feel torn apart and destroyed even. I'm at a loss for how to comfort myself. I spoke with a friend on the phone today who had lunch with my wife a couple of days ago. She mentioned that there was sadness and worry but that there was also a moving on in what my wife was going through. We haven't spoken in about a week and a half. I'm going crazy because I miss her to no end. I want my best friend back!

I know I can't have a divorce and a great relationship with my wife at the same time. I have faith that we'll be friends someday, that we can talk to each other on the phone and hang out in some semblance of what we use to have, but the truth of our current relationship strikes me with such sadness that I'm almost too shocked to do much else with my life.

And maybe that's the problem. I started my Doctorate program yesterday. I met my cohorts, the professors, the current students and got familiar with the curriculum. I keep asking myself why I'm going to school, why I'm going to more school.

It's crazy that I can feel so much pain and confusion, but still feel peace. Underneath it all I'm happy. I can stretch my arms out and look up to the sky and feel free and big and radiant. It's weird that so much juxtaposition is floating around in my heart. I'm crying and I'm relieved at where my life is at. I'm heartbroken and joyful all in the same breath.