Feel That, Prayer!

I've lost that connection. Heavenly Father loves me and I feel it. It's real and it's peaceful and it's good, but I can't bring myself to pray, to really pray and get into the habit of it. My life! Maybe the Lord is like "Hey, Elbow! Look at this, look at me! Look and just connect with me and if not I'm going to make this harder than it needs to be!"

So this is the list:

* My student loan money is being rationed. So, because of my masters degree, my doctorate funding is less because the government says it's a rule.
* My car was towed on Wednesday night, it cost $210 dollars to get it back.
* My car was given a violation last night and a big bright sticker is stuck to my driver side window. All because my apartment complex didn't fix my garage door opener, even though I gave them two and a half weeks to fix it.
* Because of such financial realities I'm living off of canned tuna and peanut butter with wheat thins (all of which were given to me by my mother because she was worried I wouldn't eat).
* My can opener that I use to open the tuna just broke. Hence, no more tuna.
* And did I mention that I'm going through a divorce and I'm missing my best friend like crazy?

So that's that. I never like running lists of things to complain about and this is my first time doing it and my last because I've decided that no more bad things are going to happen to me. But sitting here in this moment I kind of believe that the Lord is trying to tell me something.

"Just pray, idiot!"

Pause.

Why does He care that I pray? I'm still kind of stuck on that. Why does the Lord care if I shoot one up to Him or not? He knows my thought "Stop fighting, you two are twins. For goodness sake don't they have the same thoughts?" (does anyone know where that's from?)

And if the Lord is really that vengeful to be like "Hey, you're not praying to me so I'm going to make you wish you were never off your knees, biotch!" Then that would be anti-godlike, right?

But all in all, I see it as a signal from the Universe that I need to connect with diety and bridge my consciousness with the higher power and creator.

This post is starting to turn into something it's not and therefore I feel like I'm just spewing out random thoughts of consciousness, hoping that a glimer of sense will shine in the publishing of this post. So I'm going to go where I really don't want to dwell. I need to think about as much as I need to process my role with the Church.

I grew up in the Church. I was perfect Mormon boy, A+ in Deacon, A+ in not fornicating with girls, and A+ in loving my companions and loving my mission ect... And here I find myself not wearing my garments, and not attending Church all because I'm pissed off. I'm mad. I'm really really angry that the Church has the audacity to tell people that they don't know where homosexuality comes from or if we are or are not born with it, but they will make assumptions as to how to live your life in regards to the sexual feelings one posesses. Why would it be ok to let me marry my wife? Why was that sactioned by a bishop. Why would the Church not rush to the pulpit and say: "Listen guys, STOP! it's not good, it's not right, and it's anti-progress for a gay man to marry a woman. You're ok. Your salvation is in tact, you don't have to marry a woman to feel complete in this life and in the life to come, it will all work out."

But no. They aren't saying that. They are saying. "Gays, you guys have a lot to deal with, you can live normal lives but we aren't going to really focus on your 'trials' same sex attraction as much as we are just going to sweep it under the rug because we don't really know what to say (we really don't receive revelation on this subject we we're just winging it until we do). And so be celebate, and live that 'normal' life without love, without comittment, without sharing and growing as the companion to another person. Actually, go against one of the most important teachings of the Church, just disgregard the phrase "it's not good for man to be alone." That doesn't apply to you. It's good for you to be alone, well not good, but you can tolerate it just as we are tolerating you."

There you go. That's how I feel. That's why I'm not going to Church. The Lord doesn't dwell in a Church like that. For me the Lord is present because I invite him into my life. He loves everyone regardless of thier sexual orientation, regardless of what Church they go to, or what they do on Sundays. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die! Just kidding, I was throwing that in for the people that are like "Yo, Elbow! You're basically saying that we don't have to be accountable for our sins."

And to that I say: "Live your life, not mine." I have enough to worry about without wondering what others will think of me. I'm done caring about what my bishop might say if he knew that I was gay or if he knew that I left the Church (so to speak, because technically I haven't left the Church, but I guess if I ever feel like it's not good for me to be alone I might have to be). I'm just spewing forth so much wisdom right now that I'm going to stop myself. So the moral of this post is that #1 I'm going to pray more, with a desire to connect with my Heavenly Father, #2 The Church needs to step up and say something about gay men marrying women, #3 I'm angry at the Church right now and I while I hold no bitterness (even though it sounds like it) I love that I grew up Mormon, I love that I served a mission and went to BYU. I even love that there are other gay Mormons like me who feel some of the same things I do. So I'm just going to go pray now.