E L B O W
Elbow: Feel That, Prayer!

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Feel That, Prayer!

I've lost that connection. Heavenly Father loves me and I feel it. It's real and it's peaceful and it's good, but I can't bring myself to pray, to really pray and get into the habit of it. My life! Maybe the Lord is like "Hey, Elbow! Look at this, look at me! Look and just connect with me and if not I'm going to make this harder than it needs to be!"

So this is the list:

* My student loan money is being rationed. So, because of my masters degree, my doctorate funding is less because the government says it's a rule.
* My car was towed on Wednesday night, it cost $210 dollars to get it back.
* My car was given a violation last night and a big bright sticker is stuck to my driver side window. All because my apartment complex didn't fix my garage door opener, even though I gave them two and a half weeks to fix it.
* Because of such financial realities I'm living off of canned tuna and peanut butter with wheat thins (all of which were given to me by my mother because she was worried I wouldn't eat).
* My can opener that I use to open the tuna just broke. Hence, no more tuna.
* And did I mention that I'm going through a divorce and I'm missing my best friend like crazy?

So that's that. I never like running lists of things to complain about and this is my first time doing it and my last because I've decided that no more bad things are going to happen to me. But sitting here in this moment I kind of believe that the Lord is trying to tell me something.

"Just pray, idiot!"

Pause.

Why does He care that I pray? I'm still kind of stuck on that. Why does the Lord care if I shoot one up to Him or not? He knows my thought "Stop fighting, you two are twins. For goodness sake don't they have the same thoughts?" (does anyone know where that's from?)

And if the Lord is really that vengeful to be like "Hey, you're not praying to me so I'm going to make you wish you were never off your knees, biotch!" Then that would be anti-godlike, right?

But all in all, I see it as a signal from the Universe that I need to connect with diety and bridge my consciousness with the higher power and creator.

This post is starting to turn into something it's not and therefore I feel like I'm just spewing out random thoughts of consciousness, hoping that a glimer of sense will shine in the publishing of this post. So I'm going to go where I really don't want to dwell. I need to think about as much as I need to process my role with the Church.

I grew up in the Church. I was perfect Mormon boy, A+ in Deacon, A+ in not fornicating with girls, and A+ in loving my companions and loving my mission ect... And here I find myself not wearing my garments, and not attending Church all because I'm pissed off. I'm mad. I'm really really angry that the Church has the audacity to tell people that they don't know where homosexuality comes from or if we are or are not born with it, but they will make assumptions as to how to live your life in regards to the sexual feelings one posesses. Why would it be ok to let me marry my wife? Why was that sactioned by a bishop. Why would the Church not rush to the pulpit and say: "Listen guys, STOP! it's not good, it's not right, and it's anti-progress for a gay man to marry a woman. You're ok. Your salvation is in tact, you don't have to marry a woman to feel complete in this life and in the life to come, it will all work out."

But no. They aren't saying that. They are saying. "Gays, you guys have a lot to deal with, you can live normal lives but we aren't going to really focus on your 'trials' same sex attraction as much as we are just going to sweep it under the rug because we don't really know what to say (we really don't receive revelation on this subject we we're just winging it until we do). And so be celebate, and live that 'normal' life without love, without comittment, without sharing and growing as the companion to another person. Actually, go against one of the most important teachings of the Church, just disgregard the phrase "it's not good for man to be alone." That doesn't apply to you. It's good for you to be alone, well not good, but you can tolerate it just as we are tolerating you."

There you go. That's how I feel. That's why I'm not going to Church. The Lord doesn't dwell in a Church like that. For me the Lord is present because I invite him into my life. He loves everyone regardless of thier sexual orientation, regardless of what Church they go to, or what they do on Sundays. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die! Just kidding, I was throwing that in for the people that are like "Yo, Elbow! You're basically saying that we don't have to be accountable for our sins."

And to that I say: "Live your life, not mine." I have enough to worry about without wondering what others will think of me. I'm done caring about what my bishop might say if he knew that I was gay or if he knew that I left the Church (so to speak, because technically I haven't left the Church, but I guess if I ever feel like it's not good for me to be alone I might have to be). I'm just spewing forth so much wisdom right now that I'm going to stop myself. So the moral of this post is that #1 I'm going to pray more, with a desire to connect with my Heavenly Father, #2 The Church needs to step up and say something about gay men marrying women, #3 I'm angry at the Church right now and I while I hold no bitterness (even though it sounds like it) I love that I grew up Mormon, I love that I served a mission and went to BYU. I even love that there are other gay Mormons like me who feel some of the same things I do. So I'm just going to go pray now.

9 Comments:

Blogger Waterfalls said...

It's from "Shoes"!!!

6:15 PM  
Blogger Elbow said...

Yes! Shoes. So funny! Good work!

11:05 PM  
Blogger Gay LDS Actor said...

Elbow, don't go the way of anger. It's not a good road.

If you believe the Church is indeed true (and I believe it is) than you can't blame them for doing what they feel God has told them to do. They are on God's timetable, not yours or mine. If you don't believe the Church is true, then find something else that works for you. But don't expect the LDS Church to change its stances to fit your needs.

Believe me, I understand your frustrations with how the Church handles this issue. I feel those frustrations, too. But I think patience is key here.

And while you say you aren't bitter towards the Church now, if you continue down that road, I think you will be one day, so just be careful.

I, for one, have made the choice that I will not allow myself to hold bitterness towards the LDS Church. Some of my greatest assets and values are due to being raised Mormon. I still believe the Church is true, although I don't know how my sexuality fits into that, and so I've decided to live my life the best I can while trying to maintain a balance. I may be excommunicated one day. But that isn't the Church's fault. I make my own choices, and within the confines of the doctrine as it is currently laid out, that is one of the possible consequences. I accept that. I also accept that church leaders are human with human failings. I would imagine this is a particularly vexing problem for them that they pray about often, just as they have many other very difficult issues. Again, their answers will come when the Lord deems it right, not you or I or even them.

On the other hand, if I choose to believe the Church isn't true then I just need to go find something else. Again, if this is a man-made church (and again, I personally don't believe that it is), then it's their church, their rules. If I am dissatisfied with that, I just need to go join another club.

As for praying, yeah, Heavenly Father knows what you're thinking, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you so much that he just wants to talk to you and for you to talk to him. I can know that my niece loves me, but that doesn't mean I don't want to hear it. I can know that my nephew is appreciative of something I've done for him, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a word of thanks from him.

The bottom line, he's your Father. He just wants to hear from you and be there for you. It's much easier if you let him.

I don't mean this as a criticism at all. In fact, I like you from what I've read this past year or so. But you seem like a "grass-is always-greener-than-where-I-currently-am" kind of guy to me. Perhaps I am mistaken. If I am mistaken or if I have offended you in saying that, I truly apologize and I hope you will forgive me. I guess all I'm saying is that we can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we react and what our attitude will be towards that stuff. Believe it or not, you are in control of your destiny.

I've been reading a lot lately about the Law of Attraction and positive thinking. Crap happens to everybody, including me, but I try to be an optimist in life, and somehow things work out, and I believe my attitude controls much of that.

I'm not minimizing your problems or misfortunes. I'm simply reminding you that anger and complaining aren't going to fix those things. Perhaps optimism and a good attitude won't, either, but at least you'll feel better. ;-)

Hope things get better.

10:17 PM  
Blogger Elbow said...

Oh I know. I was just venting. I love the Church and I appreciate your concern. No. I was just having a bad day. I don't know if the Church is true or not and I don't think it matters one way or the other. I'm just trying to do what I feel is best for my life.

Thanks for your comment though. You're a really cool guy and I look up to you, man.

10:33 PM  
Blogger Gay LDS Actor said...

My pleasure.

11:04 AM  
Blogger J G-W said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7:37 PM  
Blogger J G-W said...

I agree with gay lds actor. Prayer is about love between you and your Heavenly Father. He wants you to know of his love for you, and prayer is the most direct way for you to experience that.

Prayer is also an act of faith. You can't pray without putting the real you on the line. That's why it has the power to change us.

It's a lifeline for me. I couldn't make it without prayer.

Also, I wanted you to know that I pray for you every day.

7:38 PM  
Blogger Clark said...

I hate the Lord's timetable. Because sometimes I just feel suspicious that is not actually the Lord's timetable, but the "we don't want to lose members because something might be too controversial for people to handle" timetable. Either way from a corporate standpoint, it DOES make sense what the church leaders are doing right now--to just sweep this issue under the rug because for now too many mormons would leave the church if anything was said about homosexuality besides, its wrong, be celibate, or we don't know.

That being said, bitterness is never to be indulged. Its so low vibrational. I know you are not being bitter in the least and you would never choose to spend more than 37 seconds in a state of that nature. I think that prayer and the Spirit are the best tools we have right now, Elbow. No one can sweep that under a rug-- and as a very wise woman once said.. DONT LET ANYONE, HAVE THE POWER, OVER YOU... As long as we are following the Spirit in our lives we cannot break from the eternal power of the atonement. One day when our world is ready for revelation about homosexuality, that revelation will come. I have no clue what it will say, but I know it will verily come. Call it the Lord's timetable or the timetable of our own misanthropy, it ends up being the same thing for us.

Kelly, where are you going?? OUT (whore)

11:25 PM  
Blogger iwonder said...

"Gays, you guys have a lot to deal with, you can live normal lives but we aren't going to really focus on your 'trials' same sex attraction as much as we are just going to sweep it under the rug because we don't really know what to say (we really don't receive revelation on this subject we we're just winging it until we do). And so be celebate, and live that 'normal' life without love, without comittment, without sharing and growing as the companion to another person. Actually, go against one of the most important teachings of the Church, just disgregard the phrase "it's not good for man to be alone." That doesn't apply to you. It's good for you to be alone, well not good, but you can tolerate it just as we are tolerating you."

I wrote something remarkably similar on my own blog a little while ago in this post.

11:21 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home