Dishonest Elbow

I have a problem with being honest and telling the truth. It pervades all aspects of my life, including this blog. Of course I'm very frank and open, but I have tendencies toward dishonesty. It's something I really want to work on.

I guess my dishonesty all started with the incident of sexual abuse that I encountered when I was young. From that point on I had a huge secret to hide and I swore to myself that I would do all things possbile to keep the incident undesclosed. I was worried that people would think less of me, I was worried that people would find out that I was gay. I was worried that I would looked down upon, I was worried that I had let my family down, and in the process that I lost my chance at salvation.

I was young and I didn't realize that the sexual abuse wasn't my fault or that I didn't cause the incident, which is still debatable because I liked the encounter and I craved for it to happen again and again. But I tell myself that it's not my fault because I was young and I was not aware of what being physically intimate in that capacity really meant. Or mayube I did...

So now I'm left with this secret side of my personality that won't allow me to let go and share peices of myself with people who love me. I yearn for honesty in my life. I yearn to share and I yearn to be loved for the insecurities and the lies that I pray people can get over. I look at my beautiful wife and I love her with all of my heart. I look at her and think of how much I'm a jerk for not being completely honest. I feel disgusted that I haven't told her about this blog. I want her to know, and yet I don't. She doesn't know that I feel this way. She knows that I have homosexual tendencies and she knows that I have problems because of the sexual abuse that I encountered when I was young, but she doesn't know I masturbate, and she doesn't know that I look at pornography.

I don't know how to break this cycle that holds me captive. I want to tell her, I want her to know, but I'm scared she'll leave me. I'm scared that she'll love me less, and I'm most scared of hurting her.

I guess I've already hurt her, she just doesn't know it yet.

The Homeless Always Know

I was walking home from work today and there was a homeless guy sitting on the steps of an apartment building. The transient was, I'd guess, in his 50's, and he had one really blue eye and the other was almost black. I couldn't tell if there was something wrong with his eye or if that's just the way it was. So as I walked past I was stealing a glimpse to see what his eye was doing, and as I passed him he said: "Hey, you're a cute guy."

Thanks, homeless man with the crazy eyes...wherever you are.

Here Without A Now

I'm just hanging on really, I don't know what is to come next and I don't know where to focus my energies on. I am alive, yet, I currently find myself unable to cope with the temptations and stressors of daily life. I'm here, yet I'm not. I look at people, but I don't see them. I am kind and good, but there is no real substance for being the kind of good that I want to be.

My therapy session went really well last week. I am fortunate to be with the clinician I am with. I realized that I slide along and try as much as possible to not make decisions, because I can't. I'm not in a place to decide anything for myself. And if it's not that I can't, then I don't want to. I don't want to be held responsible for the mistakes I've made. I don't want to have to be manipulated by my fear. I want to live the gospel because it's me, and it's something I really feel. I need some authenticity inside of me to rise up from my soul and look me in the eye to challenge what I need from myself.

I can only give what I've been giving, and that is the flow of one circumstance to the other. I hate flow, I despise it. I don't want to go with the flow and to just swim along the current knowing that life will bring me what it may.

And then I realize that everything I've just finished writing is a lie, because I have chosen, I have planned and I have manipulated. I've changed myself so much that I don't know who I am. Is everything I've changed about myself really me? Am I the guy that wants to be married to a woman, or do I just say that because I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of the consequences. Ironically I deserve those consequences. I've done nothing to merit a healthy marriage and a sound relationship. I've done nothing to give me a sense of peace. I lie, I cheat myself through the gospel. I shouldn't be allowed in the doors of the chapel let alone the temple. I can't give people service in the Church when all I see are the lies I tell myself.

Guiltless Oblivion

Conference was wonderful. It's been so long since I've sat and listened/watched the full 10 hours, which includes both Saturday sessions as well as priesthood at night, and the two sessions on Sunday. But it was worth it. every talk was great and important. I think it was Elder Oaks talk that kind of set the precedence for the mindset that I should have while listening. I've mentioned before that I don't like it when homosexuality is referred to as a disease, and something that is a handicap, but if that's what it is then there's nothing to argue about. If being gay is a handicap, or an illness that only the Lord will take away after this life then there's more to that...

Anyway,the bottom line is that I don't know what I'm doing, and I think the gospel is great, and maybe I am in need of deep spiritual repair.

So thinking about my lack of guilt, and pointing out that I'm obviously looking at pornography and masturbating pretty frequently, I wonder why I don't feel more shame for my sins. And then I was thinking about how on Dr. Phil, there was this guy who was addicted to heroine. He was taking such doses that would kill most people, and he was sober on the show, but didn't want help or didn't "need" anyone to intervene (so he said). It was crazy how Dr. Phil was talking to him, in fact, Dr. Phil wasn't even addressing the addict.

He kept saying to the addict "your mind is altered so much that you can't think clearly for yourself."

And the addict would reply "I'm completely sober right now, so why can't I make the decision if I want to go to rehab?"

Dr Phil replied "Until your brain is not chemically dependant on the drugs, you won't make clear decisions for yourself, and you can't be trusted with making the right choices."