Decide and Speak

I had a break down yesterday. I can't express what I want to say. I can't even formulate thoughts sometimes, let alone words that form sentences. I am desperately seeking guidance at every turn, and while I'm not in therapy (but will soon be returning) it is hard to focus my turmoil on specifics. My life in general is a muted shade of conflict and it is tearing at my skin to fix it and do something about it.

I'm trying to seek out those answers for myself. I'm trying to truly understand what my path is and should be. I'm willing to do whatever it takes in order to find those things out, and own them by my own judgment.

The Sacred Feminine

Women are a necessary treasure. With all this DaVinci Code talk about "The Sacred Feminine" I have thought a lot about what the idea of womanhood means in relation to my life.

Growing up I came to realize that women were sacred and pure objects. The Mormon Church teaches that the body is a temple, and that sexual promiscuity is a sin. While very young there were always lessons about keeping your body clean, and then as I grew older and I knew where babies come from, I was taught that any unclean thought about a girl was evil. I came to feel very strongly that women were to be respected, and that I should do all I could to not have a sexual thought about a girl. I'm not sure if I took that idea too far, but it was always very easy for me to never have an impure thought about a girl.

I love my wife so much, Women shouldn't be objectified, women should be cherished and respected. Women should be admired for their femininity, not sexualized for it.

Sometimes when I look at gay culture and I see my friends who are gay and who live an openly gay relationships, I see a lack of balance between the masculine and feminize energies that the earth holds. It sounds weird, but it feels like some gay men disregard the role of womanhood in the world. I think because gay men are stereotypically more feminine it seems odd to think that gay men lack the essence of what makes a woman unique to men.

I often wonder if that balance between man and woman is what life is really about.

Woman are really great. I think about my mother, and my grandma and I feel so much respect for their strength. I admire who they are and I feel something special from them because of their abilities to nurture and care for other people.

I guess everyone has their strengths.

Regardless of anyone's lifestyle or sexuality, I feel that it's important to realize that there is so much to learn from women and all the attributes they possess. I feel blessed by the the woman that my wife is.

Enough of Everything

Nothing adds up. It's all just painful and I don't want to discuss it anymore.

I want to disappear, I want to become invisible. I just want to decide something instead of just go with circumstance.

This blog gives the impression that I'm a weak person. I guess I am. I always thought I could do it. I feel so much anxiety.

One Day

Today I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness and frustration. I'm tired of being tired. I have a hard time sleeping because I feel so much anxiety. I love my wife, but I shutter at the thought of not taking the opportunity to talk to my wife, and tell her what I feel about our relationship, but I'm afraid she'll leave me.

I wonder how I can make my life seem like a life. There's a lot of pain and confusion swirling around, and I get really good at hiding it by dusting it under the rug.

I'm really not this much a basket case, but this blog is where I vent my frustrations, and it feels so good to be able to unload once in awhile.

My goal is to one day be able to write about being in a good place. I have hope that however far it may be, I will be able to look back and see all this turmoil behind me.

Fragility

I have felt more and more depressed as the days go on. I fake my way through everything I do. I feel like a victim, and I don't want to. I lack the inability to make a decision, and I hold a lot of anger in my heart. Slowly, very slowly I see all of this pain welling up to the point of a very disasterous explosion that will eventually detonate itself into oblivion.

I continue to starve, to burn, to weaken and groan when there isn't a sure blessing from what comes next. If I were Heavenly Father I would turn someone like me away. I would take a look at my suffering hands, at my bleeding jaw bone and pity the fact that when the choice came to grow and progress, this lifeless being chose inactivity. Growth comes from deciding. Progress is gained when momentum builds up from the doing. And I harbor non of those actions.

I can't decide, I can't think, I can't conform and I can't put down this debilitating anxiety. I feel lost in a huge chasm of stark static molecules that aren't connected to what I need.

The inability to discern what is truth and what isn't, is enough to make me not want to solve any of the problems that I'm faced with.

I hate that I have been given much. And because I have been given much to too much give, and therefore, all that I have to pass on and share are things that will be of no service to anyone. I have no tools or resources to confront problems that stand in my way, to correct obstacles that are in front of me. And the reason for all of this is the daily dichotomy I am faced with.